This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
