saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
