Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
