look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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