And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
