I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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