I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
