I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
