If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
