summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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