Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
