she woke up with a sticky ear
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.