I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
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as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.