I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
