no, he came in my armpit
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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