im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
