So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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