is your mom at the bar?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.