Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.