apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
