We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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