i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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