apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
