Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just want nice things and good sex
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize