FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
