i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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