At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
