Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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