I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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