shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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