the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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