Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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