I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
