I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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