i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
