i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize