it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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