Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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