i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
