I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
