I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
