i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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