Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
