weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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