Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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