1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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