I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was like eating out sand paper
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
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Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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