i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
