maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
