And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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