her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
