if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize