Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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