you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
