If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
As shirtless as possible
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
